When I’m feeling melancholy, I find that I have an overwhelming urge to indulge myself. In the past, such indulgences had a decidedly caloric flavor. Never, ever again. Lately, though, I feel the need…the need…for greed. I have determined that it is my patriotic duty to single-handedly jump start our lagging consumer economy. A little deficit spending never hurt anyone. I figure, “WWDD?” I reason that if our dear president with the tungstenic sobriquet can blow a multi-trillion–dollar surplus, I can run up a bit of extra credit card debt.
My enabler? Well, that would be the Zero Percent Interest Rate For One Year Credit Card (0%IRFOYCC). Buy now, and worry about the consequences later. My one year period is up already? Time to transfer the balances onto a new set of 0%IRFOYCCs.
I have become particularly addicted to Ben’s Bargains. Ooooh! Crap I don’t need for seventy-five percent off the list price—plus free shipping?!? Click. Click. AutoFill button. Whip out the 0%IRFOYCC. Type. Type. Click. Ch-ching!
Every day is like Christmas when I arrive home from work. Are all of these packages for me? Why, Mr. Bezos (Amazon CEO), you shouldn’t have. For example, my DVD shelves now contain days worth of unwatched movies and television season sets. Some day I’ll get around to viewing them…maybe.
One worthwhile recent purchase, though, was the Braun Activator 8595. I have the triple curse of thick, dark, fast-growing whiskers, a pale complexion, and sensitive skin. My humble visage usually resembles Homer Simpson’s (after getting his necktie caught in a belt sander). However, the uniquely-holed foil of the new Braun really does give me a closer, smoother shave. Bye, bye, neck-shredding M3 Power.
My compulsion to satisfy my new-found consumerist urges extends beyond the online realm. This week at one of this area’s many malls, besides a few new shirts, I bought—for the first time in my adult life—a pair of jeans with a size 30 waist. I do have to say, for all of you dieters out there, keep it up! The “after” stage is really worth the sacrifice. After years of grimacing at the sight of my mirrored mislocated bulges, a whole new world of wardrobe possibilities now lies before me. As for the jeans, finally my ass is kicking…ass.
I also ordered some clothing from the International Male catalog. While their overall selection normally makes the Seinfeldian poofy shirt look conservative, they actually have a few nice items.
Time to see what’s new at Ben’s Bargains. Now where’s that 0%IRFOYCC?
Oh, my, the damage we could do together in a few months when I’m done with the Body Reclaimation Project! I love shopping, especially when I can’t eat everything in sight.
Shopping for clothes never used to be this much fun. Ah, the damage…oh well, it’s only money.