I had something very valuable taken from me this week—my ability to trust. It will be a long, long time before I can get it back…
[The ugliness of this post made me sick. I deleted the rest of it at 11:33 PM on March 10.]
Purging.
Sadness. Numbness.
Healing?
It frustrates me that I am never able to stay angry for very long. Scratch that. One person, a former boss, proved the exception, but that seems like a lifetime ago.
My favorite Fishism (…Fishisms…now, there’s a flashback) was his simplest one—“Bygones.” If only real life were that simple. Bygones…bygones…
Damn it.
This is my first time visiting so I know nothing about you. But I do know that trust a really big deal to me, so I feel your pain. I hope everything works out okay for you.
Thanks, Amanda. The initial shock has since worn off. I hope things eventually work out. Time can heal some wounds, but not all.
At this point I’m feeling a strange mix of sadness and numbness.
We both did things that hurt the other party, most likely with the best of intentions. Miscommunication and misunderstanding really, really mucked up this whole situation. The optimist in me wants to believe that things can’t get much worse than they already have; however, that inner optimist has recently had the foresight of a TV meteorologist.
God, this is, by far, the dirtiest laundry that I have ever aired on this blog. I apologize, and I hope to return to much less weighty topics by week’s end.
I’m sorry to hear that such a thing happened. I hope that it either works out between the two of you, or you don’t have to see her much any longer.
I hope that things eventually work out too. It is so sad how quickly things can all fall to crap.
This entry, though—it just feels like I am picking at a scab. I think that I will do something unusual for this blog—delete this post and rewrite it. If only life was as easy to rewrite.
I read it before you deleted it…I know you don’t know me since I don’t comment much, if ever, but…
hug
Thanks for the hug, Lynn; even a virtual one is much appreciated.
I did not read this entry prior to the deletion so I have no idea about the content but I wanted to tell you that I’ve deleted my own fair share of entries on my blog and while at one time, I felt some sort of murky ethical obligation to leave everything out there after I hit that button, I eventually concluded that if I don’t want to see it, it’s my perogative to get rid of it. You’re right about the lack of “do overs” in life; at the very least, I can “do over” on my blog.
I definitely agree with you that it is our privilege as authors to delete what we want. In a way that’s a good thing. For better or worse, I can be a bit more open about my personal affairs if I have the freedom to delete entries that I find distasteful or inappropriate once temporal distance brings fresh perspective.
At least my blog is small enough to be off the radar of the Wayback Machine internet archive.
I do try as hard as I can, though, to not delete any comments, just because you all are so awesome.
Even though I am always making minor revisions/corrections, I have only deleted three posts since I started in August—my inaugural post (where I lamented about the “one that got away” and foolishly declared that I would let her know how I felt as soon as she became available again), one post about iPods which was the closest I ever want to come to a “dooce” post (esp. since this entry was read by the head of my department, oops), and this one.
What prompted me to delete this one was that it felt more like a passive aggressive attack against someone that I was temporarily upset with, rather than a sharing of my feelings about a traumatic event in my life.