It’s probably going to take a bit more than an expensive, new piece of exercise equipment sitting in my spare bedroom to get me back on track.
I need to reach deep inside myself and try to rediscover what motivated me to get in shape the first time, and if that doesn’t work, I somehow need to find new motivation.
I have just been so bleah lately. At my job, I try to throw myself into my work, to distract myself from all of the unpleasantness of real life. Then at home, exhausted from work, television and sleep continue the distraction. I haven’t even been surfing the internet lately much. I’ve drawn inward quite a bit.
If any of you have wondered how I like my new Bowflex…well, I don’t know. I haven’t really used it yet. It just sits there, red and black and imposing, challenging me to get off of my expanding ass and try it out, but I ignore it.
I swore to myself that I would never let myself slip back above 200 lbs., but I did. 203 this morning.
I keep stopping short of my goal, and then sliding backwards. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Do I fear what I will find at the imaginary finish line once I achieve my fitness goals? Or, more likely, do I fear what I won’t find there?
I ask myself what motivated me the first time to lose all that weight. It felt so good to have successfully transformed my body, to have all that new-found energy, to fit in new clothes, to give my fat pants away. I had built up such tremendous momentum…
…but I still came home each night to an empty apartment.
Is that the reward I hope to gain through my physical transformation? Companionship? Love?
I’m not really sure. Unfortunately, these questions won’t find an answer tonight. Revelatory insight will have to wait.
I need to wake up early so that I can do my workout, or maybe I’ll reset the alarm and sleep in again….
Well, I know this will sound hypocritical given the fact that I’m now at my highest weight ever (after having re-gained about 60 pounds), but I have faith that you’ll get back to it and be successful. And, on the topic of bringing more people into your life, I have to recommend volunteer work, as that has made a world of difference in my life and helps keep my romantic life humming right along, too.
I don’t think your comment was hypocritical at all, Denise.
Setbacks are just a fact of life when trying to lose a large amount of weight. (but, damn it, they sure are frustrating). For years your body is constantly fighting with itself on a primal level to return to its old weight—and OMG, sometimes it just feels so good to sit down to a heaping dish of paella or a pint of Ben and Jerrys (or that Dove ice cream with the ganache on top). It is about time, though, that I finally get myself back on my program. While I deserve that pint of ice cream, I deserve a flat stomach even more.
I have faith that you’ll get back to your program as well. Just remember how great you looked in your new outfits.
For me—if I gain any more, I will have to go to work in my underwear or sweatpants because I will not buy “fat pants” again.
This entry sounds like what runs through my head every day. I wasn’t always overweight…in fact, I used to be the one who was envied (man, that sounds cheesy). I sometimes wonder if I’d feel better if I had always been this way. That way, I wouldn’t know what I am missing out on. I also know how you can be so fired up and you don’t cheat, you exercise every day, you know all the trade secrets, you drink ALL that water…and you do it for months…”I’ll NEVER gain it back!”….Famous last words… I HAD always weighed under 120. Then I had my daughter and that was the end of an era. I went mountain biking when I was pregnant…the whole 9 yards. I kept gaining. “It’ll come off when you have the baby” turned into “you’ll be your old self in a year”. She’s 5! I’m heavier than ever. My petite 5’3” body now weighs 200 lbs. I went from a size 3 to a 16! Now, everybody says, “But you’re so proportioned and you’re beautiful.” It doesn’t help. I’d like to have the body to match the face, lol. I’ve done all you’ve done…I have a treadmill that is collecting dust. Where does this motivation go? Why is it so hard to start up again? Why does the motivation end in the first place? I don’t know. All I know is after 3 weight losses and gain backs, I have decided to quit doing it myself and get medical help. I can’t do it anymore. Yo-yoing is worse for you than just staying heavy. That’s my side of the story. People like you and I need to stop making weight our life purpose. If we could just forget about it for 5 damn minutes, maybe we’d get something done. You think about it when you’re ordering lunch. You think about it when you’re showering. You think about it when you’re walking down the sidewalk. You think about it when you sit down and have to adjust your shirt so doesn’t reveal those nice rolls. It’s never ending. I know. You are a busy person who, from what I get, only gives yourself personal time/attention when it comes to exercising. Just once, do something crazy like white water rafting, skydiving, take one of those dude-ranch vacations….I don’t care what….if I had the resources, I’d do it too. From what I’ve read, you are young, single, open-minded and crazy-smart. Do something totally out of your character—a new lease on life. Who knows, it may make an excellent starting point, again. :)
“I’ll NEVER gain it back!” Famous last words, indeed. Although, I’ll never have to experience the difficulty of losing pregnancy pounds, I know exactly what you mean, Jamie, about the yo-yoing and about not being able to forget about it for 5 minutes.
I filled my closet with clingy, “fit cut” shirts about 20 pounds ago, and now the few times I dare to wear them again, I am constantly obsessing about the spill-over in front and on the sides.
On some level, I know that I don’t look that bad—definitely not as bad as I looked a year and a half ago. Still, like so many others, I am my own worst critic.
As for doing something crazy, I would so-o-o love to skydive again. It’s just so darn expensive.
How tall are you, anyway?
I am 6 foot 2.5 inches.
Considering my height, 200 lbs. doesn’t look that bad, but I would love to turn that fat mass into muscle mass. November is the month I get back on track.