Top ?? reasons I gained back 40 pounds

So…I worked really hard to lose a whole bunch of weight. I got down to a 30-inch waist; I filled my closet with lots of new clothes. Then some time last fall, I fell off the proverbial wagon. I stopped exercising and gained back 40 pounds.

Now I am finally starting to get back on track with losing that weight all over again. To celebrate my new progress, it is time to present a list of the real reasons for the reappearance of my less than hard body (in no particular order).

1. I was tired of all the women staring at my tight ass. (I just felt like such a piece of meat.)
2. I had just traded in my old Bowflex for a new one, and, of course, each and every piece of exercise equipment must have a break-in period of no less than six months, whereby it functions solely as a rack for draping dirty clothes.
3. Some intelligent designer or big banger or spaghetti monster or whatever decided that it would be a good idea to only put 24 hours in a day.
4. Ben and Jerry made me their bizzle.
5. The No Pain, No Gain category of my blog just wasn’t an interesting read once I became a skinny person.
6. I thought outside the bun a few too many times.
7. Trying to find pants with a 30-inch waist and a 34-inch inseam just became too much of a hassle.
8. My lovers complained that I no longer had any handles to hold on to. (You know…love handles…never mind.)
9. I wanted to experience what an actor goes through when putting on a large amount of weight in a short period of time in preparation for a movie role.
10. Those damn Cold Stone franchises keep popping up everywhere faster than Starbucks.
11. I happen to like roller coasters…and yo-yos.
12. Slightly overweight people are generally more pleasant than those with perfect bodies.
13. All work and no play makes Michael a fat boy.
14. All work and no play makes Michael a fat boy.
15. When my gut melted away, I no longer had a built-in shelf upon which to rest my TiVo remote.
16. With my slim waist, tight shirts, and tight pants; I was starting to look less than hetero…and I have a hard enough time finding a female paramour.
17. My Nautilus Sleep System bed just felt so-o-o-o comfy in the morning.
18. Because of rising gas prices, I had my thermostat set low all winter. The extra layer of fat kept me insulated.
19. One word. Beefcake. BEEFCAKE!