Please. I just want to cancel my account.

• “Hi, I would like to cancel my account please.”
• “We’re sorry to hear that. One moment. I’ll transfer you to an account manager.”

…uh, oh…

• “How can I help you today.”
• “Yes, I just want to cancel my account please.”
• “Did we do something wrong?”
• “No, I just have way too many credit cards. I am trying to consolidate my finances.”
• “Is there any reason why you chose this card to cancel?”
• “Not really. I just have too many cards, and I never use this one. The balance is fully paid off, and I just want to cancel it.”
• “If you transfer the balance from your other high interest credit cards onto this card we can give you zero percent interest for one year. What balance transfer rates are you getting on your other cards?”
• “I’m already getting zero percent interest on a couple of my cards. Please, I just want to cancel this one.”
• “We can give you zero percent interest on the balance transfer until the transfer is paid off with no balance transfer fees.”
• “Please, I just want to cancel my account.”
• “Are you getting cash back on any of your other cards. We can…”

At this point I set the phone down while he yammered on for awhile. When I heard silence, I picked up the receiver and asked again. After a few more times, back and forth, he relented.

Those of us who have done the dance know the moves all too well. I got to do it three times today. I do have to admit, they try to promise you the world, and it is tempting.

At some points, it was almost humorous. Especially, the Discover card guy; I suppose his effeminate voice was supposed to be soothing and reassuring. If he wasn’t such a cartoonish stereotype, his voice would have seriously creeped me out.

I actually got the CitiCards woman to chuckle as she was working through her script.

• “I already have three different credit card accounts with CitiBank. I just want to cancel this one.”
• “If you’d like, we could transfer the credit limit from this card and add it to the limit of one of your other cards.”
• “No, thank you. I just want to cancel the card.”
• “But don’t you want to increase your spending power?”
• “I have a half-inch stack of spending power, wrapped in a rubber band. I have all the spending power I need.”

I took the day off from work today. It was too hot to go outside, so I finally had a chance to do a little personal admin. I haven’t completely lost track of my finances yet, but that little bundle of plastic sometimes seems like an elaborately stacked house of cards.

It was certainly worth a half-hour of my life to get those accounts cancelled and pass the cards through the little slot on top of my shredder. But, sheesh, these clowns sure do test one’s patience and resolve.