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Search engines & blog logs 7

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After seven months of doing this, my search logs are starting to get a little repetitive, although a few gems do stand out. There were a few surprises this month.

  • r****** r**
    I, of course, have to mention her. This topic gained new life with fresh comments to her entry and a massive upswing in RR-seekers. Last month I was amazed that 3,142 were looking for her. This month—8,155? WTF? Almost half of the unique visitors to my site in July were RR-related. Sheesh. I suppose if I were an academic, I could write a paper about this phenomenon.
  • kitty cat
    I’m not sure how a generic term with over 2 million Google results brought 7 people here. I only mentioned my parents’ feline once. Search engines are weird. Update: Mystery solved. Little Beavis lucked out as number 12 of 36,100 results for the Google image search for this term.
  • barbara bush nude
    I don’t mean to judge, but why would three people be searching for that? Why? I’m sure George Sr. finds her sexy wearing nothing but a string of pearls, but…
  • photo of hayden christensen naked in the bathroom
    Uh huh, I can picture it now—HC is playing around with his mo pho camera in his bathroom, snaps some revealing pics, then leaves them where others can find them. Yeah. No one’s that stupid…right?
  • google font generator
    I can actually help with this one. It was listed on Download Squad the other day—Logogle.
  • nude or nudist or nudism beach hawaii or honolulu or oahu light house diamond head
    I didn’t know there was such a place around there. Boy, did I miss out. :-)
  • embarrassed to take my shirt off weight
    Me too. The day when that no longer is the case cannot come soon enough. Of course, why do I keep sabotaging my progress, then, every time I get close?
  • nude satellite
    Google Earth’s resolution isn’t that good yet, but the day it is will be scary, indeed.
  • fat man in polka dotted swim trunks
    My trunks didn’t have polka dots, they had little polo horsey logos.
  • maui babe
    I love that tanning lotion. It is made with Kona coffee, and smells so good I want to bite my arm off.
  • ddr nude
    I really run the nude thing into the ground with these entries, but I do have to say—in the summer, the less clothes worn while playing DDR the better. Just an hour of play leaves me soaked to the bone.
  • carnegie lake rowing shirt
    Every year at the Belly of the Carnegie race, the freshman team wears a shirt with a clever saying. We were jealous of the year before us; they got “Let them hate, so long as they fear.” Ours was “I’m strong through the finish ’cause I eats me spinach.” Yup.
  • michael silence
    Okay.

Search engines & blog logs 6

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Out of 1597 different search phrases this month, I selected a few of my favorites below. Most of the ones mentioned in previous months came up again and again and again, but weren’t worth commenting this time.

  • r****** r**
    She’s the inspiration for this monthly feature, and at least 3,142 were scouring the web for her naked body in June. This brings her six-month grand total up to 12,458. Nude Hayden is trying to catch up, but is a distant second.
  • grandma sex
    I just can’t see going to Google and typing in “grandma sex,” but seven visitors to my site apparently did.
  • adult dashboard widgets
    Take any new media technology, and you can be sure that porn will right there in the mix, driving it forward.
  • bulges pics
    I asked a few of my female friends whether the myriad of bulge searchers are women or gay men. The consensus was definitely the latter.
  • evil cookie monster
    I mentioned this one last month too, but I was musing, in the evil mirror universe version of Sesame Street would Oscar the Cheerful be a clean freak?
  • why is bush so bad
    Well, he started out as a sweet little boy, but he was seduced by the dark side.

Search engines & blog logs 5

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  • r****** r**
    1826 searches for Ms. Ray this month. Somewhat of a downward trend.
  • hayden christensen nude
    Here is a secret for driving traffic to your site—mention a celebrity’s name and use the word nude in that entry or even a different entry.
  • rory gilmore nude
    See above.
  • katie holmes nude
    See above. I could do this all day.
  • nude freckled women
    Freckles are hot.
  • things to do in your lifetime budapest
    Definitely high on the list of places I’d love to visit.
  • michael the ark angel
    He’s the one that kept Noah company.
  • what would chloroform do if dropped from a plane
    Hunh?
  • my name is mike and i suck
    Okay…
  • michael and katie
    No, it’s Tom and Katie, I’m afraid.
  • mike hawaii
    Michael in Hawaii in thirteen days.
  • caught nude satellite
    My expectation (and hope) is that satellites would not be able to resolve enough detail to make it worth your while.
  • categories of women pubic hair photo atlas
    This one is a head scratcher.
  • evil cookie monster pics
    Evil cookie monster?
  • something a secret admirer would write
    “On rainy days like this, I can’t stop thinking about you.” Uh, obsess much, Michael? Nah.
  • women that are too skinny
    Ms. Lohan certainly comes to mind.
  • absolutist viewpoint on abortion
    Only a Sith thinks in absolutes.

Search engines & blog logs 4

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A new month already? Sheesh.

  • r****** r**
    Only 1,879 (down from 3,140) searchers for our favorite nudie foodie in April. Could people be finally losing interest in her, or maybe my search ranking is finally falling?
  • attack of the show crap
    Yes, it is, but the former cast members of The Screen Savers are now doing a weekly podcast. Two and a half eps so far. Coolness!
  • cold stone creamery mercer mall
    No Cold Stone for me until after Hawaii. :-(
  • my home from satellite
    We are watching you. Google Maps rule. I just wish the town where I grew up wasn’t in the boonies (no close zoom for me). BTW, a great Googlemapping-inspired site is Google Sightseeing.
  • photos of emeril cooking
    Thank Odin this one wasn’t “photos of emeril cooking nude.”
  • emeril lagasse nude
    Oh…my…Gawd. I spoke too soon.
  • mike not
    No, it’s “not Mike.”
  • mike having sex
    Mike may be getting lucky, but as for Michael…not so much, lately.
  • sarajevo sperm
    Hunh?
  • mr 13 inch pain
    Again, I have to say, “Hunh?”
  • m&m girl nude
    Um, did you mean the animated green M&M character? Isn’t she already nude (except for some white gloves and white knee-high boots)? Oh well, here you go.
  • dying pubic hair
    I guess I could make a joke here about matching drapes and such, but that would be crass, and this site does have certain standards. Hah!
  • rory gilmore nude
    Okay, she was a leather-clad prostitute in Sin City and did not get nekkid. My guess is that it ain’t gonna happen. Speaking of WB ingénues, what is up with Joey Potter (aka Katie Holmes)? Um, she wasn’t even four when her new boyfriend filmed Risky Business. What…ever.
  • dismiss a muse at whim
    Well, I dismissed my muse a short time ago and have yet to find an appropriate replacement.
  • grandma-sex
    Some of these get really repetitive, but it never ceases to amaze me what drives people to my site.
  • one legged dance dance revolution
    THAT I would like to see. Is that even possible?
  • princeton writer s garden
    The word on the street is that they are trying to do the Writers Block Garden again. Yay!
  • bowflex suck
    I’m always raving about the Bowflex here because of the success I have enjoyed. One of these days, though, I will blog about the things that suck about the Bowflex.
  • what is wrong with hedonism
    What, indeed?
  • michael bad
    I know. I know. Michael is a very bad boy.

Hmmm. You know, judging from my logs every month, my site sure does get a large number of disappointed visitors. They’re looking for titillation, but instead stumble upon my inanities. :-)

Search engines & blog logs 3

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My monthly perusal of my blog’s search logs (complete with snarky comments) was delayed a bit, so without further ado…

  • r****** r**
    At least 3,140 visitors came by in March to look for pics and info about a certain vivacious cooking show host. I wonder if Rachael, herself, has ever been by.
  • exercises to remove lovehandles
    I have had tremendous success with Ellington Darden’s book, The Bowflex Body Plan. He wrote another book called A Flat Stomach ASAP that might help you out (I haven’t read it, though).
  • ben jerry chocolate therapy
    Yummy! I need more therapy. Damn, you, lovehandles! Damn, you!
  • free male bulges
    …only if you ask nicely.
  • clear shade creek
    A visitor from my childhood home—cool!
  • robot chicken commercial song
    Ba-bawk, bawk, bawk. Ba-bawk, bawk, bawk. Ba-bawk, bawk, bawka, bawka, bawk, bawk, bawk. [Repeat] (Well, that’s the closing song, at least.)
  • religion media representation monty python -grail -holy
    Let’s all sing along now—“Every sperm is sacred. Every sperm is great…”
  • blurriness 2 weeks after enhancement
    The blurriness goes away in time, thankfully. Your eyes will be back to normal in no time.
  • i owe it to myself
    Yes, you do, dammit.
  • bowflex grandma sex
    I am sure she has it; however, I doubt she posts pictures of it on the internet.
  • brad pitt pubic hair photo
    Ewwwwwwww!
  • faux motivational posters
    Despair.com—As an April Fools prank, I printed out a rather amusing, but harsh, demotivational saying about Failure and taped it over a disgustingly “motivational” Success poster at work.
  • army male bulges
    Looks like someone is doing a research paper on the Ardennes Offensive.
  • writing inner monologue
    Sometimes my inner monologue has a mind of his own.
  • abnormally large pupils
    You know what they say about guys with large pupils…(their eyes are much more sensitive to high-order aberrations in the shape of the cornea).
  • never been tied up
    Me neither. It was highly recommended by one of my readers, so I guess if the opportunity ever presents itself…
  • nude woman cooking in apron
    If I was a Freudian, I’d say this person has mother issues, but I’m not.
  • why am i still single
    Tell me about it. For me, I think that it’s a combination of my having the worst timing in the world and always going after the wrong woman.
  • human being cannot get pregnant from a neanderthal
    I’m sure there are quite a few women out there who may beg to differ.
  • fishisms
    “Everyone is alone. It’s just easier to take in a relationship.”
    “Make enough money and everything else will follow.”
    “I couldn’t help but overhear, probably because I was eavesdropping.”
    “You’ve got to remember, you’re not who you are. You’re only what other people think of you.”

Search engines & blog logs 2

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Another month has passed, so it is time for a second perusal of the search engine referrals for notMike.com. Last month’s installment produced decidedly unexpected results. Mere mentioning of a certain female cooking show host inexplicably put my humble blog at the number one and number two spots out of 65,300 Google results for r****** r** nude.

As a result, 2,265 people dropped by, looking for countless variations on that theme. While that was certainly fun for awhile, I don’t think that I will be mentioning her name again.

A total of 122 visitors were looking for nude pics and info about the Bowflex grandmother. Come on people, she’s in her 50s, and she’s someone’s grandma. Oh well, I guess when I age a couple of decades, I’ll think differently.

So what else brought people by during February, besides the usual phrases that brought ’em in last month?

  • how to write a secret admirer note
    I’m torn on this one. I would probably advise against it altogether. On the other hand, I will probably keep and cherish the one I received last December for a long time to come.
  • trouble socializing never dated
    I feel your pain. Really.
  • feel the rain on my face
    …taste the rain on my lips; in the moonlight shadow.
  • male bulges pics secretly taken
    One really has to hate those camera phones.
  • absolutist view of abortion
    An absolutist view of anything is a bad thing. Oh, wait. That statement was kind of absolutist. Never mind.
  • washboard stomach photo
    Not yet. Washboard stomachs sure are hard to develop.
  • photo soldier kitten m16
    Firearms and cute, furry animals? Interesting.
  • random gross nude pics
    Why would anyone search for this?
  • princeton sucks
    Hey, them’s fightin’ words!
  • men are better at math and science
    President Summers? Thanks for stopping by.
  • pred forte stings
    Just at first. Once your eyes heal, it doesn’t sting.
  • quotes about friendship men and women
    No comment.
  • she ll hear me out and won t easily be converted lyrics
    “Somebody” is such a good song.
  • nude cheesecake
    Mmmm, cheescake. I’ll take it nude, slathered in chocolate, drizzled with caramel, dripping with cherries.
  • homemade battle royale collars
    Wow, it looks like like someone is really having problems with their students (explanation).
  • what happened to chocolate cheesecake godiva ice cream
    Thank you. Why would they dare take such a delectable flavor off of the market.
  • cooking to hook up progressive girl
    You know, I still haven’t had an occasion to use that book.
  • mac iisi
    That was a great little computer, and it was only $4600. I am still paying for it thanks to educational loans.
  • plan b contraception and religion
    This is one area where “religion” really needs to compromise. BTW, even though emergency contraception is no substitute for condoms (one in three Americans has a sexually transmitted infection), here are two web sites that can’t be linked to enough. For information about emergency contraception, visit ec.princeton.edu. US residents can get prescription requests for emergency contraception completed within 2-8 hours, 7 days a week at getthepill.com.
  • caught nude pics from photocopy machine
    I couldn’t in a million years imagine doing this at my workplace.

Well, the results this month weren’t quite as humorous as I thought they would be. I guess February isn’t a very funny month.

Rachael Ray nude

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…not quite. It started with a completely innocent entry about my plan to cook her “60-minute Thanksgiving.” I soon noticed her name popping up in my search engine referrals, and I figured that, okay, there might be a few people out there who fantasize about her in various states of undress, possibly even slathered in EVOO.

Sidenote: For those not “in the know,” Rachael Ray is the host of 30 Minute Meals and $40 a Day on Food Network, and she is the author of at least twenty books:

Anyway, the Rachael Ray floodgates opened when I posted a humorous rundown of the craziest search engine phrases that people type in before stumbling upon my humble site. (I’ll probably make this a regular monthly feature; February already has some doozies.)

In less than one week, 77 visitors arrived here looking for cheesecake photos of Rachael Ray (46 alone were for “rachael ray nude” and 15 for “rachael ray maxim.” (Mmmmm, cheesecake. Is anyone else ticked that Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake ice cream is no longer available in supermarkets? Oh, but I digress. Focus, Michael, focus).

My curiosity was piqued, especially since I know that she was never in Maxim. Yes, I confess that Maxim arrives in my mailbox monthly. I sent away for a free subscription thanks to Ben’s Bargains awhile ago. Trust me, its barely worth the paper its printed on; its frat boy style writing rarely rises above the level of a college humor magazine.

So, anyway, I just had to do the Google search myself. Oh…my…Gawd. Well, I was right that she never posed for Maxim. However, back in October of 2003, it seems she did pose in FHM. Oh…my…Gawd…

Search engines & blog logs

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At the end of the month, combing through the referring search engine keyword phrases in my Awstats logs almost always leaves me stunned or laughing (or a combination of the two).

Throughout January, an abnormally high percentage of my visitors were wayward searchers. As such, a few of the phrases are just so completely random and bizarre, I had to share them. I hope this post doesn’t seem too snarky or mean-spirited; it is all in good fun. (Helpful hint: if you want to dramatically increase traffic to your site, all you have to do is casually mention a popular celebrity’s name or write a post about NTFS-formatted iPods.)

If you haven’t checked your own logs in awhile, I encourage you to do so. We can all use a good laugh during these gloomy winter months.

  • rachael ray nude
    I guess someone else shares my opinion that Rachael Ray is hot. I just don’t think she’s that kind of girl.
  • brad pitt workout schedule
    Let’s see, at 7 AM, he wakes up and heads outside for a run…
  • brad pitt 15 inch biceps
    Okay….I didn’t include the rest of the Brad-related searches, but I think there were close to a dozen. Mr. Pitt no here.
  • photos of rachael ray in maxim
    Her again. I think I missed that issue.
  • flash bulbs sheer
    This one has come up every month this blog has been in existence. No paparazzi pics here.
  • mike in turkey
    …but not Mike in New Jersey
  • does the bowflex body leanness program work?
    This one wasn’t funny, but I feel the need to answer it whenever I can—Hell, yes!
  • bursting jeans muscle
    Mr. McGee, don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry.
  • nude boys with no pubic hair pics
    If you come across my blog via a similar query, please, I beg you—go back to your search engine and type in “professional counseling for sex offenders.”
  • beards itch
    They sure do.
  • extreme musclar women completely nude
    Are you sure you want to see that?
  • eyeball burst
    Dude…I hope this didn’t happen to you.
  • take shirt off lost weight
    Not yet. I still have a slight gut.
  • intralase sucks
    Agreed. But at least it’s better than a metal blade.
  • i can’t wait for weekend video michael gray photocopier
    Who is Michael Gray?
  • pink slimy bathroom
    Another New Jersey resident! Welcome.
  • speed recipe sudafed
    Hmm, so Sudafed can be an ingredient in homemade methamphetamines. I did not know that.
  • pics of guys with bulges in their jeans
    Although I look slightly better in a pair of jeans than I did before my diet, I’m still not quite ready to post those kinds of pics of myself on my blog. Maybe in a few months or so…
  • my wife beach photos pictures optional
    I didn’t know she was your wife, honest.
  • rachael ray maxim
    I was making a joke before, but I guess I did miss that issue.
  • photos of war torn sarajevo
    Again, not a funny one, but more of those are coming. I promise.
  • compare the size of your penis to others
    No such comparison here, but you know what they say about guys with large pupils.
  • rachael ray’s panties
    Sheesh! You have got to be kidding me! ROTFL!
  • you might have a $3000 computer but your penis is still small
    Actually, my computer cost $781, thank you.
  • how to tell if a woman is interested
    Trust me. I have been trying to figure that one out for years, and I have all but given up hope. Just once, I would love to be told straight out.
  • rachael ray nsfw
    I am telling you; she is not that kind of woman.
  • the bowflex grandmother nude pics
    Um, no GILFs here. WTF?
  • sniper war stories
    I remember when we were in Bosnia, some members of my unit were completely convinced that the urban legend about singer-songwriter John Denver secretly being a Vietnam War green beret sniper was true. We had free long distance access, so a few bored members of our night shift somehow found the number of his publicist and called to verify the veracity of the story.
  • at the end of the universe is the beginning of vengeance
    Okay…I suppose I will close with that random profundity.

The power of the Google

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I was perusing the stats for my nascent weblog, most notably the search keywords by which a few wayward web wanderers have happened by, and I was amazed by the sheer power and utter randomness of the Google search. A number of hits by those looking for info on the Bowflex was not too unexpected, although the high ranking of certain search terms for a two-week-old personal blog was a bit astonishing.

One search keyphrase that made me chuckle was “flash bulbs sheer.” I had used a rather silly simile in a previous post to describe my personal exposure on this blog. Unfortunately for the searcher, no risqué pics were to be found here (yet).

Anyway, over the next week, I plan on writing a couple of posts that chronicle my mostly successful experience with laser eye surgery. Perhaps they can provide a kernel or two of useful information for those Googlers considering this expensive, potentially scary procedure.

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